


I can't believe this guys height

by Caffine_Major



Series: School Kinda Sucks [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Collage Verse, Eridans a ginger and you can't stop me, F/F, F/M, Feferi is like the best, Humanstuck, I'm Sorry, If you squint you'll see Aradia, M/M, Minor John Egbert/Vriska Serket, My fucked up humor, No your the one with the freakish height, POV Eridan Ampora, POV Sollux Captor, Paranoia (the game), Party, Please he's just a freckle boy, Sassy Sollux captor, Scottish Eridan Ampora, Woah look at them roommates, first fic, lolwut-freeform, minor Rosemary - Freeform, minor davekat, probably trash, suggested abuse, suggested violence, teen and up because of the like seven seconds of smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-02-12 02:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12949227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffine_Major/pseuds/Caffine_Major
Summary: Sollux Captor didn't expect his roommate to look like this. He didn't expect a lot of things to happen.





	1. In which Sollux Captor fucks up royally

**Author's Note:**

> Alt title "Oh this is your bed sorry"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alt title: What do you mean this is your bed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm re-writing this entire Fic so please check back often thank you!

Your name is Sollux Captor and you just got into your dream school. After Driving two states, waiting in line for two hours because of some douche with glasses insisting that he signed up for a room with his girlfriend, and hauling all your shit to your new dorm room with your Dads you are fuck all tired but you're here. You observe your new dorm groggily and stumble over to one bed that has what you think is a pile of blankets on it. You don't remember putting those there put maybe one of your Dads did. You flop down unceremoniously and are immediately hit with a voice screaming. You scream back. You both scream until you receive a sharp kick to the side, which forces you to snap out of it and jump back to take a look at the boy who just kicked you.

This kid doesn't even look like he's old enough to be in high school let alone college. He's paler than you, which is saying something as you tend to stay inside most of the time, covered in freckles. He's short too, making the top five even. You can tell it bugs him too, his ginger hair is styled so that it seems to stand up almost, his pants are striped vertically all to make him seem taller. His eyes are framed with thick glasses and they're what can only be described as violet you didn't even know that could happen. The bags under them look just as bad as yours which is saying something. As you stare he stands up and pokes you in the chest sharply and starts talking to you.

"Hey asshole wwhat do you think you're doing tryin' to crush me with your bony ass body?" he has an accent you can't place it though.

"I didn't thee you."

"Didn't see me? Wwhat did ya think wwas on the bed?" he's seething now, it's kinda cute...wait what? "And wwhat are you smirkin' at dirt licker?"

"I thought you were a pile of blanketh." you choose not to answer his second question

"Wwhat?" now he's really pissed off "Wwhy wwould you think I wwas a pile of blankets?"

"becauthe your tho thmall."

"Wwhat?"

"Your thort athhole."

"You fuckin' peasant! I'm not short your just freakishly tall!"

This isn't exactly false you hit six feet in junior year and then grew another six inches. As Karkats friend said "Your a motherfuckin' giant by most standards motherfucker.".

"Yeah I am freakithly tall but your the one who'th a four foot tall jerkwad with dumb pantth"

"Ugh You knoww wwhat? Stay awway from me! God you are just about the wworst roommate."

"How am I the wortht roommate?"

"Wwell first you try to crush me to death, then you call me short, then you make fun of my height ewen more, I ewen left you the..."

"What wath that?" You cut him off

"Wwat wwas wwhat?" his arms are crossed over his chest and he's pouting like a little kid, bottom lip stuck out and everything.

"You said 'ewen'"

"Yeah so? That's a difficult letter to say"

"How old are you? Are you thomeoneth little brother? That'd explain a lot"

"NO! I'm Eridan FUCKIN' Ampora and I am a college student!" you seem to have hit a nerve, you were right he is self conscious about his height.

"Thorry and left me what?"

"The bed awway from the wwindoww. I figured you'd wwant that one so you'd be able to sleep better" that's actually really nice of him and you tell him this "Yeah I knoww it's nice of me. That's wwhy I did it you ignoramus" god who says ignoramus?

"Okay thorry. Don't get in my way and I won't get in yourth." you lisp as you sleepily stumble to the other bed, the argument has only made you even tireder which you didn't know was possible right know. At least your first class is at ten so you can sleep in pretty late considering it's about eleven right know. As you drift asleep you here a faint night from Eridans direction. You mumble it back and conk out. Collage already sucks ass and you haven't even started classes yet.

* * *

 

The next day you wake up and....oh god where's your roommate?! You don't care about him but he could be using your toothbrush to scrub the toilet or worse, he could have touched your computer in anyway at all. You check the time on your phone and see that it's fucking five in the morning. You've been asleep for six straight hours. You haven't bathed in about three days and you spell absolutely rank. You drag your self out of bed and to the bathroom.

One of the best things about this school (after it's tech programs) is that each dorm is basically a small apartment. Meaning they have a bathroom, bedroom, and the rest of the (fairly) small space is the kitchen/whatever-you-want-room-because-living-room-sounds-too-much-like-it's-a-home-room. So that means no community showers and no awkwardly having to bath behind a door in a stall or behind a semi-opaque curtain. You half-walk half-drag yourself to the bathroom which is close so that's great. You must be tired because you don't hear the weird accented voice singing, or the water running (you don't even have shower curtains yet what the fuck). You're too tired though so you open the bathroom door. Usually in the mornings nothing can wake you up, but today the thing that wakes you up is Eridan Ampora naked, screaming and in the shower holding a brush like a microphone.


	2. In which Eridan Ampora hurts the audience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan Ampora isn't the tallest Ampora he knows this, his dad knows this, his brother knows this, his nanny knows this. He doesn't need a third person shoving it down his gullet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOO look at that family! Kinda upset I added more insight to his then sollux's but it's important I swear!

Your name is Eridan Ampora and no you aren't lost, and no you don't need help finding your parents. You've spent your entire life hearing this from people but it's better than what you hear at home. Your bother has called you "runt" since you were five, your dad's called you countless things none of which have been nice (his favorites are worthless and defective), your nanny calls you his "little seahorse" and you were fine with it when you were little, it is quite cute, but you're packing for college and he's just asked if his "little seahorse needed any last minute packing done" and you feel you've out grown it.

Your family has a tendency to treat you like your not on their level, which is why you've chosen to go to a school on the other side of the country, to get away from them. It's not your nanny though (he's practically the best person in the house and lasted longest as a nanny(the others couldn't stand you)), just the constant ridicule and the occasional slap, so you worked hard to get into a school that's not only amazing, but far away. You'll miss your nanny though but you feel you'll live without him (You've been asking him to do less for you since you entered high school to get used to doing things). And after your brother, Cronus who's about three years older than you (in college visiting to "help" you move), promises he'll screw someone in your room you think you won't miss him that much. As you finish loading everything into the car your dad gives you a silent nod that you interpret as him being proud you got into a good school...OR HE'S TELLING YOU TO GET IN TO THE CAR... _OH GOD_ HE'S FUCKIN' LEAVING!

* * *

 After you get in the car (it took you about five minutes of chasing him down to get him to stop the car, that asshole) and drive across THE FUCKIN' COUNTRY over a span of roughly eight days you arrive at the school. It would normally be a very expensive school, even for your family, but you got most of it covered by a scholarship, so your dad only has to pay for room and board. You get in line and it's actually pretty quick, you then drag all your shit upstairs in about three trips. Your dorms nice it's small-ish has a single bedroom with two small closets, and a combined front room and kitchen (A hotplate, some cabinets, a sink, a microwave, and a mini-fridge), overall not something your used too but a lot cozier than your home. You take the bed by the window after considering it might make it easier for your roommate to sleep. You can't wait to meet your roommate.

* * *

 You fucking hate your roommate. He didn't even tell you his name after he tried to take a FUCKING NAP on you, nor after he insulted you, then he just hauls his ass to the other side of the room and lays down. He doesn't even take off his stupid fucking three-d glasses. You mumble goodnight, because that's _fuckin' polite_ and go to sleep yourself. At least it can't get worse with this guy.

 Things got worse the next morning. You got up at around four fifty partially because your classes start at ten and it takes forever to fix your hair (it's too goddamn poofy) and partially because you couldn't sleep. You look over at him with his stupid blonde fuckin' streak....thinks he's cool...wait he has two? This is honestly the most god damn symmetrical douche bag you've ever seen. Even worse he's about the tallest person you've ever met. You flip him off and head to the bathroom because you smell like hot trash. You grab a brush too, mainly to use as a mic while you sing. You wait about five minutes for the water to heat up and choose to spend that time listing of all the things you hate about your self:

  1.  Your hairs so fuckin' poofy if you don't comb and gel it
  2.  You're too skinny. For someone who's never had to worry about food you should weigh more
  3.  Your freckles just the freckles. No one else got them. And while your on the topic...
  4.  You don't look like your dad. Cronus looks like him: Tall, gelled Black hair, dark eyes, square chin. You look like your mother: Pale, freckled, delicate, purple eyes (god why?), ginger hair, and a heart shaped face.
  5.  Your eyes are so fuckin' huge. They're what really make you look like a kid: Big, round, violet eyes.
  6.  Due to a lack of sleep the bags under your eyes are _designer_.



 The list goes on and on and on. By the time you get in the shower you feel normal I.E. like total garbage. You do have one thing in common with your family: You love to sing. Everyone does it in the shower and no one talks about it. Cronus sounds like the John Travolta, your dad has a very strong Scottish accent that's smooth you remember when he would sing to you with mom when you couldn't sleep. Your nanny does it too, his voice is so...bubbly and kinda wavy. Mom's the best though, her voice is clear and high and sweet. Yours sounds like her's only slightly deeper. So you sing. You're on your third song when the door opens. It's that douche. And right now he's caught you singing "Fergalicious" by Fergie. Using your hair brush as a mike. Naked. You do something your good at but stopped doing because your dad told you to: Scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for what I did to this ginger child. Once again criticism is always welcome here.


	3. In which Sollux Captor sees Eridan Ampora naked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is Sollaxander Captor and you are watching Eridan Ampora scream naked holding a hair brush like a mike. You don't think "I didn't hear you" will cut it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD this is just like my head canons fuckin' with the story, also oh shit I don't know what college is like huh?  
> Edit: cleaned it up a bit....I think....I really need a beta reader.

You're Solluxander Captor and Eridan Ampora won't stop screaming. You're worried about a few things:

  1. He's naked
  2. what if one of the neighbors hears (god that sounds weird)
  3. He's naked
  4. You're fighting to not look down
  5. There's no shower curtain so there's water all over the ground (you make a quick note to un-pack the one you brought before since you like the bee print)
  6. _OH GOD_ YOU LOOKED DOWN and finally
  7. Is he okay



Really you're concerned you've never seen anyone but kk go this long without breathing. So you wait and hope no one comes to check on you. Oh and  _YOU LOOKED DOWN_ you don't know why but goddamn your fuckin' bisexuality and your cute as fuck roommate...wait what? No he's not cute he's a douche. You probably just miss having a girlfriend. So now your blushing like mad, he's panting from screaming, all the hot waters running down the drain, and you think you hear someone knocking on your dorm door.....WAIT SOMEONES KNOCKING?! Oh no this is not good...not good in the least.

While he's trying to breath you hurriedly yell  "AREYOUOKAYBECAUTHEPEOPLENEEDTOBREATHANDYOUWERN'TFORAVERYLONGTIME." He looks at you like you're crazy and you repeat what you said slower adding "...I hope you're okay and I'm tho thorry I walked in on you becauthe I wath really tired and I guethth I couldn't hear anything tho I didn't hear you thing until you thcreamed and I think thomeone'th at the door tho I'll go anther that now thorry." And you basically sprint to the front door. you open it to reveal a boy (duh you are in the  _boys_ dorm after all) who you know all to well: Karkat Vantas. 

"What the fuck was that noise? Why was someone screaming? Did you try to fucking kill your roommate already it's the first god-damn day Sollux!"

You had no Idea Karkat Vantas went here. He, like you, wasn't rich but he, also like you, had worked hard to even get to college, and was going to have to pay of his room and board loans till he died. He had left a while ago (about a week before you) so you'd assumed he was going across the country. He'd even texted you that his roommate was some British asshole who spent half of his time bitching about his boyfriend and the other half fucking his boyfriend. With out telling him to not be home that night (he sounds like kind of an asshole, it's just nice to leave a sock on the doorknob or something, he _shares a room_ ) Karkat had walked in on the two of them enough times that he now yelled his arrival whenever he got back.

"You go here?" you have only been this confused when tuna tried to explain how that super smash bros worked.

"Yes I go here you piece of honey coated trash! I thought I told you this?"

"Oh...I mutht have tuned you out."

"Well I go here, my roommates a passive little shit who won't put a sock on his door, and I just got woken up at like five in the morning because of some guy next door screaming! Now fuckin' explain you beekeeping bitch!" He's pointing at you now, all pissed off it's funny "STOP FUCKIN' SMIRKING!"

"God KK it'th fine...my roommate got up early and dethided to take a thower I wore up becauthe of my fucked up thleep thchedule and went to take a thower because I thmelled like trathh. I opened the door and he wath jutht there. Holding a hair brush like a microphone. It'th all good."

"Your roommate? You mean that kid in the towel sneaking off to your room?" You twist just in time to see your Eridan Ampora trying to escape this situation "Aye thorty? Where you going? The partieth jutht thtarted!" It's a joke he doesn't find funny, he pouts (Aw(wait what)) and stomps off...or stomps off as well as a person in a towel and covered in water can stomp off. 

"Fuck you." It's weird how this is just funny on Karkat but on Eridan it's kinda adorable...wait..what? You're fucking starved for attention.

"The hell is wrong with you? Why's your face fifty shades of red? Is this about Aradia? I thought that was a fucking mutual break up. You said it was. She's in a whole other country Sollux. You're still friends too. You've achieved the god damn impossible: You actually stayed friends. God look at you being comfortable around people. This isn't right everyone in our little group is a freak. It's a fucking requirement to join. Hell it's the only requirement to join. Just have to be an absolute fucking mess of a person." like you said you've never seen anyone hold their breath as long as Karkat Vantas.

"KK calm down. I don't like him, he'th a total douche bag to me he didn't even let me introduthe my thelf yesterday when we met. Eridan Ampora isn't my type he ithn't anyone'th type. What?" He's looking at you weird.

"He's fucking peeking around the corner like a little kid! He's fucking eavesdropping in the most obvious way possible! God he thinks your that stupid. The best part is  _you are._ " _He's_ laughing at _you_ now. 

"KK I don't have eye'th in the back of my head I'm not Kanaya. There'th no way I could have seen him." 

"You didn't even wait to see if he was gone before you started talking shit. God you are absolute garbage _Solluxander_ _".  Now he's gone too far._ You've always hated your full name mainly because of your lisp: you can't even say it right.

"Your name is...Solluxander? That's fuckin' ridiculous!  Wwhich of your parents named you because they hawe to be your least favorite" Eridan chimes in like a small child would. You simply hit him with that wit.

"Hush the adultth are talking right now, go thit in your room."

"Wwhat! That's such utter bullshi.."

You gasp "Language! You really are too young to be thpeaking like that."

"And your too old to have a lisp you peasant!" Karkat breaks down laughing,

"Oh my fucking god! You two are made for each other! Born to be the worlds worst roommates! I can't, I can't breath right now oh god." He swipes at imaginary tears "I should go now try to sleep more. See-ya suckers!" He tosses a two finger salute over his shoulder as he turns and leaves. He may be one of your best friends but you hate him, but he's right: you go to your room (after asking if Eridans decent) and check your phone, the display reads 5:30 a.m..

Holy shit you need to get back to sleep, well you should but you won't instead you grab a random box of your's and open it: clothes. The majority of which are yellow, and nearly all of them have funny things on them. Your favorite, so far, is a black one that says in yellow text "I'll sting you" you find it funny even though two puns are more your style, you still like bees. You shove shirts on hangers and shove hangers into the closet

"Wwhat's your name?" he's quiet, you kinda forgot he was here.

"Why do you want to know? Want to know the name you thould be saying as you beat it?"

"UGH- god no! I wwant to knoww so I can hate you more easily. I know your name is Solluxander so what's your full name"

"Tholluthander H. Captor. Are you happy now  _Eridan fucking Ampora_ I feel like I know that name from thomewhere."

"Wwhat? Wwell, wwhere from?"

"My friendth brother."

"You have friends?" god he's so stuck up. 

"Yeth I have friendth,  _plural,_ and the one who yelled at me at the door was Karkat Vantas and..."

"Does he have a brother? Three years older? Puffy hair? Really short?" like he's one to talk about short.

"Yeah actually how'd you know?" 

You almost can hear his eye roll "My jerk of an older brother is mad about him. He really wwant's to get into his pants. He invited him over to 'study' once because he wwas 'hawing trouble vith his business runnin' class" He's clearly imitating someone as he slews the v's to w's and vice versa. You guess that's how his brother talks. You shove another shirt up "You knoww, if you're more careful with hangers and clothes they wwon't get wwrinkled." Is he....being nice....it's weird.

"Thankth"

"Anywway I just wwant to tell you something. About wwhat you said about not getting in my wway and me not gettin' in yours? Wwell let's do that don't talk to me, look at me, hell only speak to me when spoken to got it?"

"Fine You want me to call you Eridan Fuckin' Ampora or ed?" you consider asking if he wants you to call him daddy but you have a feeling he won't get it.

"Oh either one you can alwways call me daddy though" GOD DAMN IT HE STOLE YOUR JOKE. So he would have gotten it! You just wasted a perfectly good joke "Oh and my Pester-chum is Caligulas-Aquarium okay? Only use it if you have too okay? Like if you have someone over and you want to bang them...text me first."

"Okay ture mineth Twin-Armageddonth"

"Wwith or wwithout the lisp?"

"Without" It really isn't that hard of a name.but you guess Eridan's just really dumb.

"Okay it's added. Wwell I hope you die in your sleep."

"Rude, altho I'm not going to thleep, I'm unpacking thome thingth"

"ugh fine I'm goin' get dressed don't look"

*Insert the worlds biggest eye-roll*

"E.D. I wouldn't ever do that to anyone but if i did it wouldn't be you." 

* * *

 You manage to get through your clothes and some of your shoes before you have to go to your first class Eridan apparently has the same one being freshman you both went the smart path and decided to get the credits you need to graduate first and get your majors/minors the next three years. Your first class is math and you share it with him. It's on the other god damn side of campus so by the time you get there only a few seats in the back are left Eridan takes one and you sit in the one away from him and...OH GOD IS THAT GUM ON THE SEAT Or IS IT DRIED CUM YOU CAN'T SIT HERE YOUR WEARING  _BLACK  FUCKING JEANS_! You now have to sit next to this douche bag instead. you scoot as far away as you  can without touching the gross chair. And listen to the teacher drone on about math straight from the text book. College turns out to be a lot like high school. Classes are boring and way too long, the kids (adults now you guess) still have cliques as seen when you hit up the lunch room with some cash. On your walk around you pass

  * The music kids
  * The goths
  * The jocks
  * The nerds (in college what)
  * The stoners and
  * the tech kids



you eventually get where your going: KK's table near a window, round and semi-crowded. The semi crowd consists of:

  * That douche that held you up in line.
  * some jackass in sunglasses, indoors, in September.
  * A girl who look sophisticated if kinda goth.
  * some girl with buckteeth who smiles a lot.
  * Kanaya (the mom friend).
  * Karkat (sir yells-a-lot).
  * Nepeta (cat girl)
  * Equius (sweaty horse dude)
  * Tavros (nerve damaged future veterinarian) and
  * Gamzee (high clown)



It's pretty normal to see the last six you've been hanging with them over most of your life, but the first four are new. Shades micdick's stolen your seat on Karkat's right so you kick back on the left. Princess gothica the great is next to Kanaya. And Douche-specs is next to beaver girl. 

"Kanaya who are thethee athholes?" Kanaya knows everything.

"Oh, Well the girl next to me is Rose lalonde..."

"Hello" She reaches out and it takes you a minute to realize she's trying to shake your hand, damn you're uncultured.

"The boy next to Karkat is Dave Strider Roses twin..."

"'Sup." He fist bumps you much more your style.

"And the ones with the glasses are John Egbert and Jade Harley," They wave together "Cousins and that's Sollux the boy I told you about."

"Oh wait Kanaya "Mithth-perfect" Maryam talked thit about me? I'm thurpithed and offended."

"No I simply told them we were expecting one more person and that he had a slight speech impediment"

"Slight? Kids spitting in my aj! I can't understand a word he's saying what's his name again?" Dave proves to be just as much of an insufferable prick as you thought. For some reason Karkat kicks him and he immediately pipes down.

"Tholluthander H. Captor Ethquire" You smirk as he try's to decipher the impenetrable code that is a result of your front to teeth being too short and your first name being absolute garbage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so self-indulgent it honestly is just something I came up with in the god damn shower.


	4. In which Eridan Ampora finds a friend?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan Ampora's not the best at making friends but you think you just found an old one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New character! Yea!

School for you has always been pretty easy, making friends hasn't though. In elementary school people made fun of your accent, in middle school people made fun of your glasses (which you think is dumb you need these to fuckin' see), and throughout high school people made fun of your height, glasses,  _and_ accent (It didn't help that during the graduation ceremony you couldn't see over the podium). You've had a few internet friends before but you don't know if any of them go to your school until your third class (and first without that lisping douche bag) when a bright, bubbly voice calls your name. You feel like you know who this is...you just can't put your finger on it. The person taps your shoulder and you turn to see someone you don't know. She's very pretty though, long black hair, slightly slanted eyes that convey a sense of happiness in their warm brown (no bags either you can tell she sleeps enough), and skin the color of caramel. You still don't know who she is though.

"Eridan! Hi! It's been glubbing ages since we glubbed over pesterchum ore video called!" The minute you hear those nautical puns you know who she is, you smile as you say:  
  
"Fef! Your right it's wwhale too long since we last glubbed!" you consider Feferi Peixes to be your best friend. You met when you were very young at a party your dad was invited to, you were standing in a corner wearing a nice suit when she walked over. She was just as pretty then as she is know. She started talking to you and as soon as you got over the shock you started talking right back. Her laugh, smile, and enthusiasm were contagious. You even had a small crush on her when you were thirteen (she shot you down but you manged to move past the awkwardness by just talking more). Although when you met she was a small girl, shorter than you even. Now she has at least five inches on you and you have to tilt your head to look at her. Her two tone skirt's the same though, (new because there's no way it would still fit her now) green and blue and split like tailcoats. Her family had to move when you guys hit forth grade and you exchanged pester-chums (yours being about aquariums and hers cuttlefish her favorite animal). 

"It has been, Eri-fin! I'm even taller than you now! You're still soooooo cute though!! Can I sit here?" She's so happy to see you which you aren't used to. 

"For shore Fef, I wwouldn't wwant anyone else to sit there." she plunks down in the chair next to you and goes off.

"So Eri-fin, how's college so far? Who's your cabin-mate? Is he nice? Mine is, she's  _sooo_ nice! She's also from Hawaii! She showed me pictures of her dog and her dogs so glubbing cute! She's maj-ore-ing in physics and min-ore-ing in veterinarian practices. That reminds me... did i tell you I'm maj-ore-ing in Marine biology it's so much fun. I don't know if I should min-ore in anything reely but I think if I did it would have to be culinary arts like the rest of my family, for shore! Oh my gosh! I've been glubbing your ear off! Enough about me! What's going on with you spill!"

"Wwell my roommate's a total douche bag! He lumbers into our room at like eleven at night, tries to take a fuckin' nap on me, then claims he thought I was a pile of blankets, insults me and then fuckin' conks out on his bed. Then this morning he walks in on me showering and then makes fun of me! I hope he dies in his sleep"

"Eri-fin that's so mean!! You shouldn't say things like that about people I'm sure he's perfectly fine and you just got off on the wrong foot."

"Fef he's so horrible! I don't actually wwant him to die though..."

"Oh this looks important text me okay?" You nod and alternate between notes and texting Fef.

* * *

CaligulasAquarium started pestering CuttlefishCuller

CA: So wwhat I wwas going to say was: I don't reely wwant him to die, I'd just like it if he was nicer.

CC: T)(at's fine Eri-fin! So what are you Maj-ore-ing in?

CA: English and minoring in Business, also I didn't knoww it  wwas a family thing in the Peixes household to get a degree in culinary arts.

CC: O)( T)(AT! Yea)( my Mom maj-ore-d in it, Meena)('s getting a degree in it two wit)( a minor in business! So I mig)(t too. I dunno though 3:/

CA: Huh Your mom likes baking? I didn't figure her the kind of wwoman wwho liked that kind of maternal stuff. Wwhat wwith her bein' a shrewwed business wwoman and all.

CC: And most people wouldn't take you for the kind of guy who's a _reely_ good cook! 

CA: I'm not _that_ good Fef. I only learned so I could be more independent knoww. I had a nanny Fef for godsakes! I had to learn so I wwouldn't starve to death here. 

CC: W)(at did your Dad want you to major in?

CA: He didn't care. As long as I took some classes relating to business.

CC: Reely? W)(at'd Cronus Choose?

CA: Cro's majorin' in Musical studies. You know I got such a raww deal on my name.

CC: W)(at'da ya mean?

CA: Cronus was named by my dad after the Greek titan king of titans and lord of time.

CC: Wow T)(ose are some big shoes to fill! And you Eri-fin?

CA: I was named after a river. 

CC: I once read somewhere that Eridan meant husband!

CA: Oh great so I'm "River husband" at least it's chill sounding.

CC: Yeah! It is quite clamming to just think about!

CA: That's probably wwhy Cro wwill inherit the company. He's the favvorite,  _he_ looks like my dad,  _he's_ tall and doesn't havve underdevveloped muscles. I'm just a runty nobody with a too high voice and a too short body.

CC: Does your pod still give you )(ell for no reason?

CA: They have a feww reasons....

CA: I don't wwanna talk about it Okay Fef.

CC: You learning )(ow to cook instead of just ordering take out like your brother shouldn't make them upset and I don't know w)(y your dad yelled at you for t)(at..

CA: He kept going on an' on about howw "The Amporas are too good to do the work of chefs and maids!" and howw "You're such a smear on our family tree"

CC: O)( Eri-fin t)(at's so mean! 

CA: Let's not talk about it okay Fef?

CC: Okay...I'm sorry. So what else is new?

CA: Not much, Cronus is such an ass though. Do you knoww wwhat he promised me he'd do wwhile I wwas gone?

CC: W)(at?

CA: That'd he screww someone in  _my room._

CC: T)(at's so rude! We should stop talking about this....but I still wanna here ore!

* * *

 You continue to take notes and text Fef. Throughout the class you notice Fef keeps furling her brows and biting her lip, after the lecture lets out and you write down the homework you ask her if she wants to study later this week.

"GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB T)(AT SOUNDS SO LIK-E SO MUC)( FUN!" you smile a bit you honestly do want to help "and when you make new friends we'll make it a study group t)(ing!" 

"If I make any neww friends Fef, I might not, it might be like high school all over again.." You think this is reasonable Fef doesn't.

"No Eri-fin you will make new friends, you will have fun, and you will go to at least one party!" Feferi like the other Peixes is quite stubborn and you know there's know point in fighting back "I'm not letting you gloom and grim your way through Collage!" She does a spin and plants her self in front of you "If it's the last thing I do"

You love Fef, you do, but there is no way that's happening. Eridan Ampora doesn't get invited to parties, he doesn't make friends either, and he doesn't have fun. You repeat this like a mantra in your head. It's not your own voice though it's an upsetting combination of your brother's, your dad's, and (this is new) Sollux H. Captor. All taunting you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even like Feferi that much but she's so much fun to write, like just writing about her makes me smile.


	5. In which Sollux Captor's week is full of bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This week is only bullshit only bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dang! Let's get some captor family values!

Your name is Sollux H. Captor and god this week has been nothing but bullshit. Your classes are fairly easy so that's great, you already found your niche of kids to sit with, but there's still the huge (well very small) issue of your roommate. Ever since you walked in on him in the shower singing some song you didn't know, he's been treating you like your sooo fuckin' beneath him and your fuckin' done with his garbage, some bitch with a  _fuckin' eye patch_ keeps stealing your seat (you feel like you know her) in some of your classes so you keep having to sit next to people you don't like (read: know). The only good thing is you made sure not to take any classes on Sunday. You need to have a  _very important_ video call today. You've honestly been waiting for this call all week too actually!

"THOLLUX! IT'TH BEEN FOREVER! How'th thcool? Ith it fun? Who'th your roommate ith he cool? Have you played any new gameth? I got a new game! It'th tho much fun! I think it'th called...um.....Thpla...thplapt...thplati....aghhh" A boy with an odd helmet, several speech impediments, and teeth that match yours (fucked up), is now quietly screeching (if possible) while trying to say "splatoon"  properly. It's your brother Mituna. You love him you do but sometimes it's hard to understand him.

"It'th been a week Mituna. Thcool'th pretty okay it'th eathy though. Not really fun. No I haven't played any new gameth and it'th called thplatoon. Calm down it'th fine." You start humming quietly, it's something you've been doing for him lately because it calms him down. He say's (or tries to) that it reminds him of Dads bees.

"Thank'th Thollux! Oh the Dadth wanna talk to you! I love you bye!" And with that he's running away laughing, probably gunning for his skateboard. He's absolute garbage but it got him a girlfriend (she's very nice but her little sisters crazy) who cares about him and is one of the most patient people you've ever met.

"Hello Thollux!" two men are smiling brightly at you now one with red tinted glasses and hair so black it's blue. The other with blue tinted glasses and red hair.

"Hi Dad! Hi Dad!" you start waving "What'th up?" 

"Well Pollux and I jutht wanted to talk to you becauthe we mithth our little ba-bee." you cringe slightly at the nick name you've had since your dads got you (long story very short mom died Dad married Dad), you love your family a lot but your dads bee puns are almost as bad as your two puns. "Oh _bee_ quiet Cathtor" the man in the blue glasses playfully swats your Dad, you miss mom but it's nice to see him so happy. "Tho how ith our little ba-bee?"

"I'm doing fine Dad. Thcoolth great, and I've already made four new friendth" they smile and you know you said the right thing.

"Oh that'th jutht great ithn't it Pollux?" 

"Yeth it it'th Cathtor!" they start tearing up a little and then say in uni-sense. "Our little ba-bee'th growing up!"

"Guy'th I'm in college I've been grown up for a while now."

"Well not to uth!"

"Yeth you'll alway'th be our little ba-bee! Tho how'th your roommate?"

"He'th okay.....he overheard KK call me Tholluxthander and told me whoever gave me that name thould be my leatht favorite parent" your dad (the one with the red glasses) looks upset by this.

"I named you that.....I thought it wath cute."

"It ith kinda odd Honey"

"It'th fine Dad your not my leatht favorite parent" you smile and then realize you messed up now it's blue dad who's upset.

"Wait I'm your leatht favorite! Why!?" he'th on the brink of tears and you try to fix it as fast as you can.

"NO NO NO! I love both of you equally! I don't have a leatht favorite parent! You're both great!" this seems to calm them down, sometimes you wish your parents weren't like this but still it's true you love them both and they're both great. "Tho how are the beeth?" You know this'll make them insanely happy, they both love their jobs: Red dad a beekeeper,and blue dad a honey seller (just at your cities local farmers market.) You then spend a whole hour talking to your dads about the colony.

* * *

 When you hang up Eridan suddenly barges in he looks hurt and you can tell he's shaking slightly. You're curious as to what could hurt such a pompous douche bag.

"Yo ED what'th wrong? I didn't know thomeone tho fucking pompouth could be offended." He whips his head towards you like he forgot he shares a room with you "Really ED you're thaking like a leaf, you get into a fight or something?" You don't like him very much but he doesn't look like he could hold his own in a fight. You think that must be it by the way he cringes at the word fight.

"It's none of your fuckin' business Sol! Leawe me alone it's not like you care!" You have no idea what you did but he seems really upset.

"ED what happened to you? Really I want to know jutht in cathe it like maketh you have a god damn breakdown, I don't want to be the one held rethponthable for you going inthane."

"It's nothin'! I just got into a small argument wwith my Dad is all. Some of my clothes got "lost in the mail" and he doesn't want to replace them." he puts a major stress on his accent while imitating his Dad.

"That'th all? Were thethe clothth made of like gold of thome thit?" honestly this doesn't seem that big of a deal to you.

"No but I just really liked those clothes! They wwere important to me, and my fuckin'  _Father_ ," once again the same heavy accent "as he wants to be called refuses to replace them because he doesn't like them! I swwear to god he'd like them if  I wwas anyone else!" he looked so upset and you didn't know what to do so you blurt out the first thing you could think of:

"We could go thopping to replace them if you w..." 

"It's fine! I'm already going to go shopping wwith someone else okay! I don't need  _pity_ from a god damned  _peasant!"_ again with word peasant what's up with this kid?

"Thorry I jutht wanted to help..."

"That's a bloody lie! You just wanna make fun of me! That's it _isn't it_? Wwe wwoulda gone shoppin' and you wwould have laughed! I fuckin' knoww it!" he storms of with this. You weirdly enough feel bad about this. It's only noon and your fucking exhausted. It's only noon and your lying on your side in the fetal position, humming because you don't know what the hell you did wrong but you still feel really bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I love Mituna.  
> What clothes did Eridan lose? Why does he think Sollux will laugh? Is this even a romance? Find out next time on "I can't believe this guys height!"


	6. What the hell happened to my clothes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is Eridan Ampora, half your clothes are missing and you know who fuckin' did it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Minor verbal abuse (I think if you think it's worse tell me and I'll change it), lgbtq+ slur (censored)

Your name is Eridan Ampora, It's Saturday night (around eleven p.m.) and half your clothes are gone. Not gone as if someone  _took_ them, but in the gone as in someone DIDN'T FUCKIN' SEND THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. You'd bet anything that it was the person you think it was but right know you're too tired to deal with him. So instead you text Fef:

* * *

CaliginousAquarium began pestering CuttlefishCuller at 11:00 P.M. 

CA: Bad news Fef...

CC: W)(at's wrong Eri-fin?

CA: Some a' my clothes hawen't arriwed yet

CC: Are you talking a-boat the cloth)(es I t)(ink your talking a-boat?

CA: Yeah, but you knoww wwhat this means?

CC: S)(OPPING! O)( I'm so ------EXCITED! I )(aven't played dress up wit)( you since forever! 3:)

CA: Yeah! It'll be a wwhole boat load of fun!

CC: Okay when?

CA: Howw's tomorroww wwork for you?

CC: T)(at works just fine! I can't wait! See you tomorrow at around 12:30 okay?

CA: Great!

CC: And you know my cabin number right?

CA: Girls dorm, 2nd floor, room 233 right?

CC: Yep! I'm so glubbing -------EXCIT------ED!

CA: Me twwo Fef see you then. Night!

CC: Nig)(t Eri-fin!

* * *

With that all set up you look into your room to see if Sol (as you've taken to calling him) is asleep, and you're not that shocked to see that he's up on his laptop (or his "baby" as he called it made it himself which you have to admit is pretty cool) doing whatever.

"Hey douche bag. I'm takin' a showwer tomorroww, and I knoww you'd just _love_ to see me again but I'd rather not." you look at him for a response and find he's doing that fuckin' smirk thing. He seems to do this whenever you act a certain way. You can just tell he's laughing at you.

"ED I would never do that"

"Really because  _I_ seem to remember a certain  _someone_ lookin' dowwn more than once." Now it's your turn to smirk as his face flashes through shades of embarrassment. Ha got him.

"I DID NOT DO THAT," you chuckle as he stumbles through that sentence "Bethideth if I did I'd probably go to jail for child molethation." You clench your fists at this, you just can't get the upper hand with this asshole! 

"I don't look like a child!"

"Yeah ya do, and if I were to athk AC's thither the'd totally agree with me"

"I don't ewen knoww wwho that is!"

"Awwww how cute you thill can't thay your v's! One thec let me get a pic," Suddenly he's taken out his phone and taken a picture.

"Wwhy'd ya take that? You need somethin' to wank off too?" it's a witty comeback but he just ignores you.

"There let me thend it to AC aaaannnd done! I told her to show the pic to her thither."

"Ugh I don't ewen wwant to knoww!"

"Well too bad becauthe she rethponded 'Meulin thay'th that he'd 'toteth be the thota' I think tho too! He's Pawthitively adorable!' That'th tho thweet of her to thay! AC's the fuckin' overlord of all thingth cute! Tho it'th dethided you look like a little kid, a cute one at that!"

"UGH....wwhatewer! I don't care anymore! I'm going to bed." God he's such an asshole......wait DID HE CALL YOU CUTE!

* * *

The next day you woke up late and you didn't really care, until you turned and saw that asshat just....watching you.....a lot. Not in a creepy way he looked like he just woke up he wasn't even wearing those dumb as fuck glasses. You're about to tell him to go fuck himself with a chainsaw when he speaks first:

"You have bed head." this guy's such a jerk! 

"Of course I hawe bed head, I just wwoke up."

"Calm down ED I like it, it lookth floofy." 

"Shut up!" like you mentioned earlier you look like your Mother, and with that comes having hella puffy, ginger curls. The type that don't stay down unless you use an entire fuckin' gallon of hair-gel. While your dad and brother just got normal black hair that they slick back to look cool/intimidating/like-a-fuckin'-fifties-greaser. 

"Jethuth fine I need to make a video call okay get out."

"Fine." and you leave because that's the POLITE THING TO DO.

"Wait you don't even care?"

"No It seems important so I'll leawe."

"Oh...thankth."

"DON'T SOUND SO FUCKIN' SURPRISED YOU GOD DAMN PLEBEIAN!" with that you storm out and sit down to make a call.

"Hello?" the voice on the other end does have a strong Scottish accent but his is bubbly and happy so you know it's not your dad.

"Nan!" You love Nan he's always insisted you call him this instead of Sebastian.

"Oh it's my little seahorse! Wwhy did you call?"

"I need to speak to my father right now."

"Just a minute let me go get 'im." There's a pause that lets you check the time you still have some time till your supposed to go shopping with Fef.

"Dual scar Ampora speaking. Wwho's this?"

"It's your son. Eridan? The freshman in college?"

"Wwhat do you wwant?"

"Some of my clothes aren't here."

"Must have gotten lost in the mail."

"You didn't ewen send them did you?"

"No I didn't and it's no real reason wwhy I did it is it?"

"I don't see wwhy?"

"Because it's bad enough my son looks like a girl! I don't need him acting like a F-----t!" and in that moment the world stops for you. You aren't thinking of anything but what your Dad just said to you about you. You knew that your dad always wanted a son and a daughter. When you were born he was overjoyed according to your mother, you looked just like her then just like you do now. Then the doctor said three words that made him hate you:

"It's a boy" Three little words. They'd been said when Cronus was born and it made your father extremely proud. When you were born it made him upset. In his eyes his sons were supposed to look just like him, but you didn't look just like him. You checked out of the conversation for a second but you caught this gist of it and that never changed.

"You're a freak of nature! Dressin' like a girl! You're  _supposed_ to be a man! Not some sissy wwho can't dress correctly!"

"but Dad I..."

"Howw many times do I haveta tell you? You will address me as father! Noww wwhat do you wwant?"

"Dad wwearing those clothes just make me happy...."

"You're fucking pathetic. I wish you wwere more like Cronus. He doesn't disappoint me on a daily basis!" You wait through the speech and by the time he hangs up your on the verge of tears. You just give up you go to your room and just blank out. Sollux says some stuff but you know he's just laughing at you so you just snap back some generic shit about the clothes and your dad. He goes to sleep and you change. God you just wanna see Fef.

* * *

 After you've calmed down and gotten Fef the two of you drive to the mall. You always used to shop with Fef for clothes. When you moved away you had to buy them by yourself and say they were a present for someone else. Now you can go back to using the cover that it's for Fef instead. You go to a few stores and leave with only two dresses you liked. A purple one that hits your knees and has a square neck line. And one that's a bit shorter and has a sorta turtle neck look to it and you think it's just a sweater and you're just short. You leave and head to a few smaller stores where you find some more things you like including a crop top and a plaid skirt that you like a lot. Fef offers to pay for you which is pretty nice of her. You go back to her dorm after she asks her roommate if she's in and it turns out she's not. You try on the clothes and find several combinations you like.

"Hey Eri-fin?"

"Yeah Fef?"

"Why do you wear girls clothes? I'm okay with it of course but still why?"

"Wwhale it makes me feel good about myself. Sometimes I don't wwant to be Eridan Ampora. I just wwant people to be nicer and this seems to wwork pretty wwell."

"Eri-fin! That's kinda sad!"

"Howw so?"

"Eri-fin you're great! You shouldn't have to wear some special clothes to feel good about yourshellf!"

"No Fef it's not like that. It's just I like to wwear them. I don't really knoww wwhy I just do."

"Oh! So it doesn't have to do with how you "feel" amoray over it's how you feel like dressing?"

"Yeah Fef that's it. God wwhat wwould I do wwithout you?" she laughs at this and that honestly makes your day a whole boat load brighter "Noww can you help me fold this stuff and put in my backpack?"

"Of course! Here" She grabs the dress-that-might-be-a-sweater and folds it neatly placing it in your bag. You pack everything away and chat about whatever. She asks you when you plan on wearing the clothes and offers to help do your makeup. You say that it'll probably be on a weekend so you don't have to go to class. When you're done packing you say bye and head off to your dorm. It's been a pretty good day. Then you see Sollux on the couch working on his laptop and it stops. You try to sneak away but he notices you anyway.

"Hey kiddo how wath kindergarten?" This fucking douchbag.

"You know I wwent shopping you ludicrous piece of trash"

"Tho what'd ya get?"

"I got a swweater, and a feww shirts. I need to go hang them up noww."

"Kay come back though I need to show you thomething." This can't be good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this. Also Isn't Feferi just amazing?


	7. In which Sollux Captor actually codes for once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't know why you showed Eridan something you made but you hope he likes it.

Your name is Sollux Captor and you've been working for about an hour on a simple code project that you hope will make Eridan cheer up. You're not sure why you feel like doing this but there's just something about him that makes you want to make him happy. When he got back from shopping you told him you wanted to show him something he went to put away whatever he bought, and you go over the project one more time, just to be sure it works. It's a simple thing really but you would have been impressed if you hadn't been coding (read:Hacking) since you were about thirteen. It's cute in your humble opinion.

"So? Wwhat'd you wanna show me?"

"Thith." You run the code and a cartoon bee bounces around to a happy tune. His eye widen a bit and then he does something you didn't think he could do: he smiled. It's a small smile but it makes you beam with pride, the simple cute cartoon bee is something Nepeta made you a while ago when she found out how much you liked bees. She also drew a crab for Karkat, a goat for Gamzee, a bull for Tavros, and an odd desert moth (you think) for Kanaya. So you made little animations using it for simple animations that weren't all for high stakes like a grade or anything. "I thought you'd like it."

"That's wery cute Sol."

"I know. I made it for you thought it'd cheer you up."

"Wwhat?"

"You theemed upthet earlier tho I thpent thome time doing thith" he seems confused by this. Like he doesn't get why someone would do this for him, but you guess you don't act very nice to him so you can see why.

"Thanks, but you didn't have to do that for me. I wwent shopping to replace the stuff wwith my friend. It really cheered me up."

"You have friendth?"

"Just the one really, but I'we been fine wwith that for a wwhile now" Holy fuck that's sad. Like you don't have the most friends but he's used to only having one person to talk to. Maybe you should be nicer "Besides almost ewerybody else is garbage. Especially you  _Solluxander_." Never mind you should be just as mean as before.'

"Really? Maybe that'th why you don't have any friendth. _Plural_." you get a respond of muttered curse words and pouting, kinda cute...you gotta stop that. You decide that as entertaining making fun of him is to stop and just hang out in your room.

* * *

 You spend the rest of the afternoon on your laptop doing whatever: coding, YouTube, trolling people on the internet etc. 'till you here Eridan bitching to...someone. His phones on the table by his bed and his laptops on his bed, so who the fuck is he talking too. Then you realize he's not talking. He's singing you don't know the song but he must have an Ipod or something because you can faintly here music. You weren't sure what he was doing in the "living room" (he brought a fucking couch with him), well now you know he's been singing. You peek out the door and see him with a pair of ear buds plugged into to something while he writes or draws. He has a nice singing voice it's ...soft. You didn't know sounds could be soft but he's managed. It takes you a minute but you think you know what song he's singing. You listen, he stops and while he's looking through his Ipod you grab your phone and wait. When he starts singing you start recording. Its a song that doesn't fit his voice but that makes it better. You're not recording this because you think he's bad though, your honestly not sure why your recording this. You think it's because it's nice, and maybe because you want to listen to it later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to code so this is like some really basic shit.


	8. In which Eridan Ampora has a few firsts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of things you've never done. Sollux Captor introduces you to a few.

Your name is Eridan Ampora. You've been singing since Sollux went to do whatever it is he does. And you've just been doing whatever you feel like while doodling. Half your page is filled with bees and smirks. The other half you've just been mindlessly doodling hearts. Oh god why is your roommates personality likable? Why do you like him? You probably don't though. You were listening to a love song just now.... You need help. So you draw and you sing and that's about it. You must have fallen asleep because suddenly someones thrown a blanket on you...OH GOD WHERE'S YOUR NOTEBOOK! You jolt up and look around frantically, he can not know you were drawing his mouth. He does though. There he is sitting on the floor flicking through your notebook drinking from a bottle of some kind....It's fuckin' honey. He's drinking a bottle of honey while looking at your shitty art-work. He hasn't noticed you're awake someho...NOPE HE LOOKED UP OH NO! You panic. 

"Tho why were you drawing beeth, heartth, and what lookth like my mouth over and over again?" but you don't say anything. In order to speak he had to take the nozzle on the bottle out of his mouth and some of the honey's just, there on his lip. You make a mental note to draw that later, just because it's kinda hot...no it's not it's gross and so is he, you do not like that asshole.

 He switches over to a baby voice "Doeth the little baby have a crush? Honethtly ED you're too young to be interethted in me. I'll go to jail." he licks at the honey drop and you swear to god you have to draw that too! That asshole! He thinks you like him. Sure he's kinda hot, and you wouldn't  _hate_ kissing him....but that doesn't matter! He's absolute garbage. You choose not to dignify it with a verbal response though. "It'th okay ED. I know no one can rethitht the charmth of Tholluthander H. Captor, and you are pretty cute. Ethpethially when you thleep. Your hair goeth all poofy. I like it." 

"Wwhy are you wwatching me sleep?" forget you being cute, that's kinda creepy. 

"You conked out a while ago. Tho I put one of my blanketth on you and then I notithed your little note book, you were freakin' cuddling it ED, I looked through it and then I got to the latht page with anything on it. Tho want thome ramen?" 

"Wwhat's ramen?" He looks fairly offended at this statement.

"What? How do you not know what ramen ith! It'th the food of godth and over worked college thtudenth! Thtop everything! I'm making you thome ramen!" and with that he storms of to the hotplate and starts making whatever ramen is. While he does that you snuggle into the blanket and breath in what it smells like, what  _he_ smells like. You've done this since you were a kid, smell people's clothes and blankets to know what they smelled like, it helps you know what they're like. The blanket smells like honey, Doritos, old spice, and the natural stink of sweat. You like it a lot, and just breath until he comes back. 

"Here eat thith. It'll change your life." you (for some reason) shake your head and snuggle deeper into the blanket you're warm and happy, you don't wanna leave "Really ED? Fine thit up thraight." you comply and Sollux gets all to close "Open up" you shake your head because apparently you can't speak. He gestures to the bowl of noodles "Yeth. Look," he wraps some noodles around a fork "here cometh the airplane. Now open up it'th good. Altho you need to eat." It takes you a minute but you realize he plans on feeding you, you make a grab for the spoon but he pulls it out of your reach "No you wouldn't eat and thith ith what happenth when your a little brat." you pull your arm back because holy hell it's cold and nod. "Okay good, now open up" you open your mouth and he leans closer to put the fork in your mouth. You chew and...

"Holy Fuckin' shit this is good."

"Yeah I know ED, that'th why I eat it all the time. You want thome more?" more nods on your end "You're like a little kid. Here Open wide." you don't get why he's okay with feeding you noodles but it's nice. "Tho how come you aren't doing thith your thelf?" 

"It's cold."

"What doeth that have to do with anything?"

"I don't feel like mowin'." this makes him laugh. His laugh sounds like rattling glass beads. Then someone knocks on the door, but Sollux ignores the pounding, and just feeds you more ramen.

"Sollux what the ever living fuck are you doing right now? Are you fucking feeding him? Holy shit why? How much of an absolute douche do you have to be to get someone who's as much of a jerk as you to feed someone." It's the guy from Monday, the one who told you his whole first name.

"Well thorty over here took a nap, and when he woke up I found out thomething blathphemouth."

"What the hell did he say?"

"He'th never had ramen before. Tho I made him thome but he wouldn't move becauthe he'th a little brat."

"Is this true? You cracked his "cool-lispy-hacker" facade in a week? It took me like five years! Hold on I have to tell Gamzee about this this is a literal miracle. Also really the  _only_ solution was to feed him yourself? You couldn't just take the blanket?"

"Didn't want to.." they were acting like you weren't even there. "Wait how'd you even get in?"

"The door was unlocked and I figured no one would ever settle for either of you two assholes, so I just walked on in." What a douche.

"Sol I'm perfectly fuckin' capable of feedin' my self!"

"About twenty thecondth ago you weren't." god he's smirking again. "KK he wath like burrowing into the god damn blanket and inthead of jutht taking the bowl he jutht shook hith head like a bratty kid. Tho I did what motht people do with bratty kidth who won't eat: fed him."

"Or...just hear me out here...you could have just not done that, because it's weird." he makes a fair point though he and Sol argue for a bit until "KK" leaves, when he does Sollux walks away..well shit now you gotta feed this soup to yours...HE LOCKED THE DORM DOOR. Why did he lock the dorm door. He comes back and keeps feeding you forkfuls of noodles until there all gone.

"So wwhat do wwe do wwith the broth?" he picks up the bowl and you assume he's going to take it to the sink, but instead he simply says "Thith" and slurps from it. "I'we newer done that either."

"Jethuth ED were you ever a kid? Ith that why you thill look like one? To make up for all that lotht time?" he offers you the bowl and as you sip from it quietly you hope he didn't spit in this. 

"It's good."

"Yeah ED everything about ramen ith amazing!" You spend some time talking about how your classes are going ("I mean really if you're like sewen feet tall don't sit in the front roww" "You're jutht short") till Fef shoots you a text

* * *

CuttlefishCuller began pestering CaligulasAquarium at 7:15 p.m.

CC: )(ey Eri-fin! Guess what?

CA: Wwhat?

CC: My roomies )(aving a party! She told me to invite some fronds so the first person I thoug)(t of was you! 

CA: That's awwfully nice of her, but sure I'm in wwhen is it?

CC: Next Saturday! At six! 

CA: Okay so anythin' else I should knoww?

CC: Yea)( bring your roommate!

CA: Wwhat? Wwhy?

CC: To get to know more people! Okay bring yours please!! I'm begging you Eri-fin!

CA: Fine I'll bring him. He's goin' be a total let dowwn though.

* * *

You receive a sharp pinch for this "Wwhat the hell! It's true isn't it?"

"Yeah but I wath going to thay no." he looks pretty peeved off "College partieth thound boring."

"No it wwon't be! Knowwing Fef wwe'll be playin' all the games we played as kids."

"Fine but I expect to be playing Mario anything really. I wath fucking raithed by that fat plumber" you smile a little you think you might want to be his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are what drive me! So leave a few I'll try to respond. Also haha trolled!


	9. It turns out parties are fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You haven't been to a party for what feels like forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna know the party questions not asked to/by Sollux check the end notes. (Sorry for skipping a whole six days but it's not really that important)

Your name is Sollux Captor and you actually went to the Party. You get there and Jade has everyone introduce themselves she starts

"Hey everyone! I'm Jade Harley this is Feferi Peixes my roommate. Like that okay? Now you go Dave." Feferi is a very tan and very pretty girl, she looks nice too must be why Eridan talked her up so much.

"'Sup I'm Dave Strider and this is my roommate Sprite." It's a bird. He brought a goddamn bird to a party. "My roommate was sick so I brought the next best thing my pet bird."

"John Egbert and this is my girlfriend Vriska Serket!" It appears buck teeth boy (he has three buck teeth how does one even do that) is dating that bitch that keeps stealing your seat! Up close you can tell that she's pretty tall, has an eye-patch, and a prosthetic arm.

"Karkat Vantas and this asshole is my roommate and Jade's older brother Jake English." The boy Karkat gestures to is fairly short, pale, and nearly identical to John. But he's wearing Micro-shorts. In September. WHO DOES THAT?!

"Rose Lalonde nice to meet you and this is my girlfriend and roommate Kanaya Maryam" you'd been wondering if they're dating.

"Yo I'm Terezi Pyrope resident blind girl, and this is my roommate Nepeta Leijon resident shipper." 

"Dirk Strider and this sweaty dude is Equius Zahhak" Dirk looks a lot like Dave; pale, freckled skin and hair so blonde it almost looks white.

"Ay my wicked motherfuckers I'm Gamzee and this little guy's Tavros."

"I'm Thollux Captor and the thmall child next to me ith Eridan. Hey why are your brotherth here?"

"Oh that's easy to make sure we don't get two crazy!" reasonable Harley is reasonable

"Also booze" and then there's Dave. You hang out for a while but then Feferi calls you all to sit in a circle to play a game. Oh god It's truth or dare

* * *

 Karkat volunteers to go first "Sollux truth or dare" god dammit

"Truth" maybe he won't this time.

"What's your full name." god dammit

"Tholluthander H. Captor" Maybe he won't

"Say your middle name." The worst part is he already knows this,

"My full name ith Tholluthander _Honey_ Captor" There's the laughter. God your first names bad enough but really why Honey?

"Really Sol Honey's your middle name" Eridan seems to think your joking.

"Yeah my Dad'th a beekeeper. My turn hmm.....Tavroth. Truth or dare?" he ponders it but eventually falls to the power of the dare.

"Dare"

"I dare you to cop a feel on one of the people next to you, tho Tav who'th it gonna be Gamzee or Jade, tholid fifteen theconth no more no lethth. Thomeone get a timer" people are laughing and while Tavros is making the choice (You know who It's going to be already mainly because Tav also used to be interested in Jade). He ended up picking Gamzee as everyone laughed and raised a fake commotion (Dave literally imitating cop sirens) you peer over your classes and wink at Gamzee, now he's blushing fifty shades of red and it's showing through even under his clown makeup. "Tho who hath the timer?"

"Me here" Eridan shoves the timer in front of you exactly fifteen seconds like you said

"Thankth okay g..."

"Wait! What do I do?"

"You cop a feel meaning you grab DAT ath" Gamzee even stands up to make it easier for Tavros "Okay go" and so Tavros spends the next fifteen seconds groping Gamzee's ass.

"Okay your turn Tavros! Pick a person"

"Hmm..John truth...or dare..."

"Dare" That draws a smile out of Tavros, he may not look it but he loves dares and often make pretty funny ones.

"Strip.." just as John's about to take of his shirt Tav continues "from the waist down."

"No that's insane."

"Or are you just not man enough" that musta hit a soft spot because as soon as Tavros has finished his sentence Egbert's fighting his pants to the death.

"Ay. You god damn charlatans! I don't wanna see no dicks" you can't tell if Dirk's brother's making a joke of if he's hella drunk, but he sounds hella Texan. Jade's brother must be hella drunk too as he's draping himself all over Dirk.

"You didn't say that last night..."and soon they're too busy sucking face to watch you guys, so John ends up half naked and with a pillow covering his lap.

"Your turn John."

"Okay! Dave, truth or dare?!"

"well seeing that I don't feel like not wearing clothes" you swear to god Karkat whines a bit "I gotta go with truth."

"Who would you bang if you had to in this group?"

"Egbert that's boring... also it'd be Karkat." this is followed by several gasps/and people choking on water  "Okay My turn So Gamzee truth or dare?"

"Dare my dude."

"Okay well pretend to be a cat and ask Tavros for food."

"How do I up and do that?"

"You know what cats do when they're hungry? Just do that." So after a few minutes of watching a six foot tall freshman purring, meowing,and head butting a boy with a pair of crutches and a mohawk, he eventually gets a cookie out of the deal. You continue to go around the group until Feferi dared Eridan "as the last dare" to kiss you. He bitched and Nepeta started to pump her fist up and down yelling kiss over and over again.

"Fine I'll do the stupid kiss." you could tell that he wanted it over with just as fast as you. So you just let him grab you by the shirt collar and pull you into a kiss. When you pull away you both wipe at your mouths with your sleeves, but you wanted it to go on a little longer. So as you're internally panicking Jade says your going to play paranoia. After she explains the rules you begin the game.

* * *

 Karkat goes first and chooses you, he whispers his question (you didn't even know he could whisper) "if you had to coat anyone's body with honey and lick it all off who would it be. Full body no exceptions."  You think of who the cleanest person is as far as you know it's KK (bathes everyday), so you settle for second: Eridan Ampora. Jade flips the coin and you call it.

"Headth"

"Yup! It's Sollux's turn and Eridan never knows what it was!"

You choose Dave "Who'th the betht looking perthon in the group not you or me." and answers immediately "Karkat"

"Okay Heads or tails?"

"Tails."

"Nope! It's Dave's turn and You have to tell Karkat. Just Karkat" he whispers him your question. You guess Karkat wants to play this off as an insult because he looks like he wants to stab Dave.

"Calm down. Okay Dave it's your turn." Jade obviously is playing the peacekeeper not wanting Dave to get stabbed.

"Fine Tavros" he asks Tavros something.

"Oh..um..G..Gamzee and heads."

"Oh sorry it's tails again. What was the question?" now Tavros's blushing and stuttering (more than usual) his way through a the question.

"O-out of everyone i-in the...um..g-group who would you....um....." as you all stare and wonder what it was he yells the last part "LIKETOSEEINTHENUDE!" now Gamzee's blushing and everyone else is just laughing, (aside from Kanaya who's telling Dave that it was mean to put Tavros through that). "So um I'll ask...John" He whispers to his question to John and John answers.

"That's easy! Gamzee." John guesses tails and Gamzee looks confused.

"Tails! The question is unheard and it's John's turn!"

"Okay so umm.........I guess Rose over there."

he asks her the question and she plainly states "Eridan if that's his name."

"That's right."

"Tails then."

"It's tails the question unheard and Rose asks next!"

"Okay...hmm...Nepeta." She whisper's a question to her.

"Well that's really easy! It's Sollux!" she's giggling and you don't have a good feeling about this question.

"Heads!"

"The coin is heads and Nepeta asks!"

"I choose Vriskeres!" You didn't think Nepeta liked Vriska but if she has a nickname for her that's cat-pun based she must, her question is whispered through giggles and Vriska answers through smirks.

"Well It's obviously Tavros." Tav looks concerned about this "Sooooooo Heads!"

"And it's heads what a twist everybody! Vriska your turn!" Harley is basically a game show host, a hype man.

"Good this was getting boring fast hmmm....Gamzee you're up!" you can tell she was planning this from the start. The pause was too short and the question she asked too immediate.

"Well. I don't fuckin' get it..." he's avoiding it, that's weird in the few weeks you've eaten lunch with him he seemed more than okay sharing anything with anyone. Now you're curious as to why someone as open as him might be avoiding a question. "I just don't fuckin' get it."

"Argh! It's easy. Listen again" she repeats the question and Gamzee seems to understand better now.

"Well then when you put it like that Tavbro of course." Now Tavros is concerned "I bet it's gonna be Heads again too"

"Well look here It's heads! Now it's..." Feferi is shaking her head now you guess some people are getting bored "Time to do something else! Who has any ideas?"

"We could always play spin the bottle" it's Vriska and you weren't expecting this, according to Tavros she likes games that are high stakes with even higher rewards for them.

"You have a boyfriend Vrithika. Why do you want to play thith?"

"It just sounds fun okay?

"Ay you fuckin' Idjits I don't want any a y'all involved in that frisky business in my house." Dirk chimes in again with that heavy Texas accent. You'd thought he'd left to screw his boyfriend. 

"Um Dirk...it's not  _your_ house. It's not even a house." Jade is, once again, quick to jump in to any conversation.

"I'm watching you charlatans so it is my dorm now." you think he might just have a Texas accent.

"You were just making out with your boyfriend. You're doing that frisky business in this home too." Dave doesn't interject much, often choosing to mutter to himself and make noises as reactions. You think he's rapping his inner feelings. "Don't be a hypocrite bro." wait he and Dirk were both raised in Texas why does only Dirk have an accent? 

* * *

In the end you just talk for the rest of the night, you and Eridan end up leaving at around two in the morning. It makes you notice something about Eridan, he really acts like a child sometimes. It's probably just a case of you being unobservant, but you didn't notice earlier, and now a few moments come to mind about this. The way he was so offended when you called him a kid, how he refused to feed himself just by shaking his head no, snuggling your blanket it all sounds like things kids do. Even now he's clutching your arm and keeps stumbling around he's so tired. He even made you leave the party because he was tired, whining and pulling on your sleeve.

"Hey Sol?" God he's staring at you. You can't help but like his eyes.

"Yeah ED?"

"I'm tired."

"Yeah I know ED."

"No I'm like really tired!"

"Okay and..."

"Can you carry me back?" He's looking down but you can tell he's embarrassed. You don't feel like teasing him.

"Fine ED come here," he turns and lifts his arms up, but your not carrying him like that. A sweep and he's in your arms.

"Wwhat are you doing?"

"Carrying you like the printheth you are. You're really light ED, you barely weigh a thing." he's not responding though because in the time it took you to say that sentence he's conked out in your arms. You get back home and but him down (he woke up on the stairs(stupid broken campus elevators)) he didn't say anything just groggily walks to your room and lays down, in your bed. You don't have the heart to wake him or move him (well you do but he kept pushing you away so you stopped) so you lay down with him. He moves in closer once you've settled, you had no idea the _great_ Eridan Ampora liked cuddling. God he's cute...you've stopped denying it. Eridan Ampora is fucking adorable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Paranoia Questions:  
> 1\. Tavros to John "Who's into the weirdest stuff?"  
> 2\. Johns to Rose "Who looks the youngest?"  
> 3\. Rose to Nepeta "Who needs a relationship the most?"  
> 4\. Nepeta to Vriska "Who's a mouse when compared for their crush?" (small, meek)  
> 5\. Vriska to Gamzee "Out of anyone in the group who would you rather be your 'maiden voyage'" (first)  
> (Vriska's my favorite question. She's setting this up man.)


	10. In which Eridan Ampora wakes up in someone else's bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is Eridan and you're not in your bed. You know this because you're looking at yours and it's across the room.

Your name is Eridan Ampora and you're kinda scared. When you woke up today you didn't want to get up, your bed felt different. It smelled different too, like mountain dew, Doritos, Honey, and old spice....this is Sollux's bed. Then you started freaking out, you didn't remember drinking but if you did it wouldn't have taken that long to get you wasted enough to sleep with him (you drank wine once at one of your Fathers parties and it only took a glass and a half to get you absolutely smashed). He's not here though, but he's nearby you can hear him talking to someone on the phone.

"What do you mean 'You have a crush' I don't have a crush on Eridan Ampora! I've known him for two weekth, and thpent the firtht one ignoring him. I'm probably jutht thtarved for affection!" there's a long pause as the other person speaks "Well yeah he ith pretty cute." another pause "IT DOETHN'T MATTER THAT I'VE ALREADY THEEN HIM NAKED THAT WATH AWKWARD! I didn't even want to see him naked" oh look a pause "No I don't. You're a jerk. Hold on a thec." oh no, you'd gotten up and he'd probably heard you. He peeks in and see's you, and for some odd reason you swear he's blushing. 

"Wwhat Happened last night?"

"I gotta go," he hangs up and turns back to you "Nothing happened you were jutht really tired ith all." That's almost worse! You've been told that when you're tired enough you act like a small child. 

"Did I ask you to do anythin'?"

"Yeah, you had me carry you back home." you think that's the first time either of you have referred to your dorm as a home. It always seemed to much like you were dating to you. You guess it's okay now. "Then when I put you down you went to my bed and dropped. You wouldn't let me move you either." 

"Wwell you coulda slept in my bed then."

"Ew no...I didn't want to thleep near the window," god you'd tell him that was bullshit if you wouldn't have done the same thing. Oh wait he's still talking? "You must really like me huh ED?" you don't say anything, he takes this as a yes "Aww that'th tho cute. You really are adorable." you want him to shut up. "You really are like a little kid too. You're tho friggin' light but your fathe is thill tho....round." why won't he shut up "I like it. Your fathe I mean." wait what? He spends the next few minutes trying to dig himself out of this, but fails ultimately. That's weird he's usually good at insulting you. 

"Wwhat else happened last night? Did I say anythin'? Anythin' wweird?" 

"Not really. You mumbled thome thit on the thairth. I remember," he puts up his fingers "and I quote 'Sol wwhy are you so tall? Am I ewer gonna be that tall?' and when I didn't respond you kept poking me on the cheek till I would."

"I think it's wweird that you think the cutest part of me is my 'child-like' qualities. You a pedophile or somethin'?" 

"No the cutest part of you is your belly button. ED you know you were weirdly ethcied to show me what you looked like with your shirt off. You fucking pulled up your shirt while we were on the thairth. You're really pale." like you didn't know already? It's not like you've spent the past eighteen years being this skin tone. Even so you're all kinds of embarrassed. You flashed him, you weren't even drunk wait were you? You guess you were pouting because he adds "ED that wath a joke. The cutetht part of you are your eyeth." that's nice. It's also sincere. This is nice.

"Did I hawe any alcohol?"

"Yeah we all did you drank like a cup of wine, which is weird who bringth wine to a party? But If your athking you weren't drunk"

"Yeah I wwas.." now he's both flushed and bewildered.

"How? God you're thuch a light weight. Tho I guethth that'th why you were acting that way, you were tired and drunk."

"I'm sorry Sol, you couldn't hawe wwanted to see me flash you."

"You generally are pretty cute. You were like cuddling me. Wouldn't let me leave. I had to pry you away from me when I woke up thith morning" that's embarrassing. 

 "Wwell I wwas drunk so wwhat do you wwant."

"Really? Well were you drunk when you were thleeping?" well fuck. "Don't thay yeth. You don't even look hungover right now." dang-it. 

"Fine. So _maybe_ I like cuddlin' people wwhen I sleep. I honestly wwoulda done it to anyone. I musta been really drunk to ewen _think_ about huggin' a piecea trash like you." he sighs and  _ruffles your fuckin' hair,_ like your some kinda little kid. As he walks over to the "kitchen" (it barely counts as one) he talks "Tho you hungry? Cauthe I thure am. Let'th thee whatth in the cabinith." he roots around and comes back with a bowl of cereal. "Here. Or do you thill need me to feed you?" you know what. Fuck it. You nod a yes. He looks away and mumbles something. 

"Wwhat wwas that?" he looks at you like you're some kinda monster.

"Nothing. I didn't thay anything." he's shaking his head with his hands in front of him, a peace offering. "Here open your mouth. Here cometh the airplane." after a while you're done eating, and slurping from the bowl.

"This tastes....different then normal." 

"How tho?"

"It's...sweeter."

"I mixed in Honey into the milk. I uthed to do that when I wath a kid."

"Oh...wwhen I wwas little my nanny used to do that wwhen I wwas sick." he's shaking a bit now. He's fuckin' laughin' at you!

"You had a nanny? Jethuth ED what about your parenth?" Your parents were always to busy to watch you after you were old enough to go to school. So they started hiring nannies. The first three left after a week each, all saying you were impossible to deal with. You thought it'd make them take care of you. They just got more Nannies. The next two left after two days each, this time you weren't acting out on purpose. Then came your current one, Sebastian, he was kind to you. When he stayed for longer then a week you were ecstatic. Mainly because when seven people give up on loving you, you take what you can get. So he stayed, ended up doubling as a house keeper and a secretary. "Ed you okay man? What ith it? ED. Did I do thomething? Oh god." you think you're crying. You're crying and Sollux Captor is panicking "ED thtop. Pleathe thtop crying. What'd I thay. Oh god. Eridan...." you tune out. He hasn't said your full first name in a while. It doesn't make you stop crying but it makes you a bit calmer. 

"I..My parents aren't.... _there._ Like they're alive. They just don't care enough to take care of me. Wwell Mum does but Dad likes my brother more. Cronus alwways got  _more_ everythin' more lowe, more attention, more adwice. I kinda neww Dad wwanted a girl wwhen I wwas born. I looked like one. That doctor saying 'It's a boy' ruined my Father's feelin's towward me and it made Cronus that much better. To my Dad all his sons wwere supposed to look like him. I look exactly like Mum. I don't ewen think he lowe's her. Both of them come from rich families, I think they only got married for the money. Dad didn't care enough to look after me and...." you're sobbing now. Before you were just kinda weepy, now you're full on sobbing next to Sollux Captor into a bowl of cereal.

"Can I touch you?" you look up and he's scared...no...he's worried. You nod and he starts rubbing circles on your back. "Do you wanna keep talking?" you shake your head this time. He doesn't need to hear any more. He's started humming now, pulling you closer to his chest until you're basically sitting on his lab. It's nice, he's nice, this is nice. You think you like him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why was Sollux so much more awkward? What did he mumble? Who was he on the phone with? Find out next time on I Can't Believe This Guy's Height!


	11. In which Sollux Captor has a vivid hallucination while in a comatose state

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is Sollux Captor and you think you need to phone a friend, because you don't know the answer to the question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of smut at the beginning so if you're uncomfortable with is I'll put asterisks before and after it so you can skip it.  
> Edit: Once again cleaned it up a bit, still need a beta reader to make sure I don't fuck up.

You wake up gasping and panting a bit. You never thought you'd be able to have a (low key) wet dream about  _Eridan Ampora_ , but you were wrong apparently. You try to sit up but someone tugs you down, you turn your head and there he is, then panic sets in. You're in bed with Eridan Ampora the same Eridan Ampora who you just had a wet dream about. You have a boner and he's hugging you and IT'S NOT HELPING ANYTHING. He's snuggling against you and bumping against your bulge over and over again. That can't be comfortable for either of you. You try to scoot away but he pulls you closer. 

"ED I need you to let go of me. I need to.........pee." that's an excuse no ones used. You try to sit up but he yanks you back down.

"No! I wwant you to stay here. You're wwarm." he wraps his legs around your waist pulling you as close as he can get you "There noww you _hawe_ to stay!" oh my god this is not helping you in any way at all. You wait and eventually he turns around and stops cuddling you, by then you've...ah-hem...calmed down. You get up and find your head swirling: why did you have that dream, was it even a dream (it could have been more of a nightmare if anything), and most importantly: how do you feel about him? At first you thought he was just your average everyday annoying-as-shit roommate, but he's not. He's funny, and cute, and sassy, and so small! You need to call Nep. You dial, and she yawns as she picks up

"Hi Sollux. It's very early why are you calling?" 

"Lithten Nepeta I have a problem, and you're the only one who can help me."

"What'd ya need?"

"It'th about Erida..." you pull the phone away as she squeals 

"OH Sollux! You have a crush on him don't cha?" why does she sound so happy?

"What do you mean 'You have a crush'! I don't have a crush on Eridan Ampora! I've known him for two weekth, and thpent the firtht one ignoring him. I'm probably jutht thtarved for affection!"

"Well yeah" you hate her voice right now it's too high and it's too early to deal with this bullshit "But that's how all _the best ships_ start out! You hate each other, but you also _fur_ rick each other!" oh god what she's too cute for this NEP STOP. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE PURE CHILD "Don't tell Equihiss I said that, thank you! Okay but back to the topic at hand you two are just _purr_ -fect for each other! You're both such sour pusses, but you make each other seem so much sweeter! And Eridan's _soooo_ cute! Don't say you don't think so either because I _know_ you do!" 

"Well yeah he ith pretty cute." it's embarrassing to admit but Eridan Ampora is ascetically pleasing.

" _I knew it_!!" more squeals this time a bit quieter "He's so cute and just the right height to match you! So little and round...I think Karkitty and I might be taller then him! You've already seen him naked too!" now you aren't that shocked by Nep saying this, or you wouldn't be if it wasn't about you.

"IT DOETHN'T MATTER THAT I'VE ALREADY THEEN HIM NAKED THAT WATH AWKWARD! I didn't even want to see him naked" whisper shouts ensue. and her giggling at nothing.

"You didn't want to see him naked _then_ , but I'll bet you do now! You've got it bad Sollux!"

"No I don't. You're a jerk." you hear a soft noise, but only barely "Hold on a thec." you turn and are faced with Eridan looking like a deer in headlights. How much of that conversation did he hear? 

"...to tell Meulin too! She'll be SO EXCITED!"

"Hang on a thec" you hang up and make a note to call her later. 

*we then review a bunch of shit that happened last chapter including: Eridan being adorable, and crying, that's it.*

As you rub circles on Eridan's back and hum he looks up at you. 

"Thanks Sollux." oh god why's he so cute?

"Tho you wanna watch cartoonth on my laptop while eating thereal?" he's already ate but it's the weekend and that's all you have to do today.

"I'd like that Sol, I'd like that a lot." You guys spend the rest of the day eating cereal and watching cartoons on your laptop, wrapped in a blanket. Then Nep calls you and yells at you for hanging up on her and informs you that her sister is writing something about you and Eridan and that she's drawing ship art of you guys. You inform her of what you're doing and she squeals telling you that you being cute is more important than her being upset. Which is.......nice(?). It's official though. The Leijons ship it, so there's a high chance of it becoming canon. You can't say you'd be upset about that though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to write smut so this is probably garbage. Sorry it's late been working on it though trying to get back on track.


	12. In which life go's right for a bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is Sollux Captor and life's been going good. Then It's suddenly march and holy shit that girls cute.

Your name is Sollux Captor and holy heck you got two chapters in a row damn. It's been a bit and life's returned to normal. You've managed to survive the holidays (along with all your friends) and the whole first part of the year. Now it's February twenty eighth and you're over it. Schools fine, people are fine, and you even spent Valentines day in door's with the gang complaining, crying, and eating chocolate (and drinking in Gamzee's case (kept insisting Tav had bull horns fuckin' idiot)), but for some reason Eridan's gone back to ignoring you, which kinda hurts as you've been looking forward to having someone to hang out with before class. You don't over think it as, according to Feferi he sometimes goes into these little stints where he just pouts a lot. You're fine with it. You've just been leaving each other notes so you both know where the other one is, which is weird for two friends who don't even like each other that mu....okay bullshit. You're in love with that hipster douche. Nepeta was right you need to inform (DUN-DUN-DUN) The Romance Masters (Cool action hero music):

Nepeta: A cute cat girl who's clairvoyant with her pairs! 

Karkat: The crabby romance novel reader who gives great advice! and

Tavros: The boy who just knows how to be nice. (people just really like him)

You had to go out to contact them though, so there's no chance of Eridan seeing you talking about him.

* * *

TwinArmageddons started Memo: The Romance Masters

TA: Guyth I need Help

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT SOLLUX? 

AT: wHY IS IT CALLED 'tHE rOMANCE mASTERS',,,

AC: :33 > Well my ships usually become true. Karkitty give great advice. And Tavfuros is just to nice not to love!

TA: Yeah ya thee AC _geth_ thith thit.

CG: I'M FUCKING FLATTERED. NOW WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

TA: Tho I think I might jutht be maybe a little bit kinda thorta in love with Eridan Ampora......

CG: TWO THINGS: ONE: HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME READ THAT AND TWO

CG: CALLED IT. GAMZEE OWES ME TWENTY BUCKS NOW!

AC: :33 > *AC squeals in excitement* I knew it! You two are just _purr_ -fect for each other! I've already drawn some art!

AT: tHAT'S NICE, i tHOUGHT IT'D WORK OUT TO,,,

TA: Wait let me get thith thraight.

TA: AC'th already drawn thip art.

TA: KK'th betting money on my love life with TC.

TA: And even AT thought we'd like each other.

CG: YES

AC: :33 > *AC nods*

AT: yES,

TA: You are all fucking inthane. Okay tho what do I do about it?

CG: DO ABOUT WHAT?

TA: How do I thop liking him?

AC: :33 > Why would you want to do that? 

AT: yEAH, YOU SEEM TO BE PRETTY COMPATIBLE WITH eRIDAN,

TA: What? No he'th a piethe of trash.

AC: :33 > Which you had a wet dream about.......

CG: WAIT WHAT?

AT: wHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

AC: :33 > A few months ago! Around.......October first.

CG: WHY THE FUCK DON'T I KNOW ABOUT THIS?

TA: Becauthe I thought i could trutht AC not to tell anyone.

AC: :33 > oh.....I didn't know that 33:

TA: IT WATH IMPLIED WHEN I TOLD YOU I HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT MY PIETHE OF THIT ROOMMATE

TA: But back to the topic at hand how do I make mythelf _not like_ him becauthe I can do better.

CG: OKAY FOR REAL THOUGH.....YOU CAN'T. YOU HONESTLY FUCKING CAN'T DO BETTER. THIS IS ALL YOU'RE GETTING EVER.

TA: What the...really KK that'th tho mean. I honethtly expected more from you guyth.

AC: :33 > but I already shipped it.... 33:

CG: SEE MAN YOU'RE BREAKING NEPETA'S HEART RIGHT NOW. DO YOU REALLY WANNA BREAK _NEPETA'S_ HEART. THAT'S JUST CRUEL SOLLUX.

TA: I mean he'th not bad looking...it'th jutht I don't think he like'th me...

AC: :33 > are you fur-ricking kidding me? That boy is head over tail in love with you! It's _sooo_ obvious! You too were made for eachothfur! 

TA: AC thorry to break it to you but I don't think tho. I mean he'th been avoiding me for a while now why would he do that if he didn't hate me?

AC: :33 > Because he's embarrassed about liking you too?

AT: tHAT MAKES SENSE, i MEAN i WOULD DO THAT,,,,

TA: Guyth not helping!

CG: FINE TRY LISTING ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH HIM TO YOURSELF MAYBE THAT'LL CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT HE'S NOT AS GREAT AS YOU OBVIOUSLY THINK HE IS.

TA: Okay anything elthe?

AC: :33 > try to find someone or something else to occupy your mind fur a while! Then you won't think about him.

TA: Okay that might work and....I'll talk later there's thith really cute girl walking in my direction. 

AC: :33 > Good luck!

TwinArmageddons closed memo

* * *

You'd been chilling at the mall for a while (no way you'd catch Eridan here), walking around and eating honey coated pretzel bites, y'know just being a chill dude, and then you looked up and there's this cute girl walking toward you. You walk a bit faster to catch up with her just to start a conversation. A you get closer you notice a few things, her hair's quite short and has several colored streaks in it. She wore large glasses that had much thinner frames than Eridans, do not think about him, and had just as many freckles as HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED. She's really cute, and seems be using a scarf (that looks like _his_ ) as a belt for her purple dress, it even matches her knee socks like they were made by the same person. 

"Hey." A quiet statement and a wave and she starts walking faster, not even a response you watch as she walks away and notice that she drops a small piece of cloth from her bag. You walk over and pick it up, it's only polite to give it back to her "Mith you dropped thith." you wave around the cloth as she turns. She blushes (just as cute as...no! DO NOT THINK ABOUT HIM HE IS NOT INTERESTED) and walks back over taking it and jumping as your fingers touch.

"Thank you. I didn't notice I dropped this." her voice is high and has the same accent as Eridan....dang it! You aren't supposed to be thinking about him. "I'm Eden. Nice to meet you." Eden.

"That'th a pretty name. Thuiteth you" she looks up, her eyes are huge and a color you just can't place.

"How-w s-so?" 

"Becauthe you're pretty." score smooth! *insert air-horns*. Oh she's blushing, even cuter. 

"I'm not really that cute. At least that's wwhat m-my family says."

"Well they mutht be your evil thtep family. Jealouth." oooooohhhh you are _on fire today_! When did you get so smooth with the ladies?

"Not really...mainly because they're pretty too." 

"Too? Tho that meanth you count yourthelf? Your one of the pretty oneth." almost on instinct she flinches and shakes her head. "Let me finish. Becauthe you're right."

"Oh....thank you..."

"Well you're cool, and really cute. Here." You grab something from your pocket "My buthineth card. Call me okay? You be Thinderella and I'll be printhe charming." OH someone stop you before you flood the deserts with this! God you're amazing.

"Th-thanks...I w-will. I gotta go. Bye." she waves her handkerchief over her shoulder at you.

* * *

TwinArmageddons re-opened Memo: The Romance Masters

CG: SO HOW'D IT GO?

TA: Well I her name ith Eden, I hit on her (Did a good job too), and then gave her one of my buthineth cardth. She had to go after tho she waved goodbye with a handkerchief.

CG: THAT'S FUCKING ROMANTIC AS SHIT!

AC: :33 > *AC grins excitedly* That's great Sollux! Was she cute? I bet she was beautiful! 

TA: She wath, I don't think she wanted to talk to me at first but then she dropped her handkerchief and I uthed it to thart a converthation. 

AT: iF SHE DIDN'T WANNA TALK TO YOU MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BUGGED HER,,,,

TA: Then she woulda jutht taken the handkerchief and left. There'th hope! 

CG: OH MY GOD. YOU ARE LIVING IN A ROMANCE NOVEL. 

AC: :33 > what'd you say to her?

TA: I told her she wath cute like her name, that her family wath jutht jealouth if they didn't think she wath adorable, and called her Thinderella. 

CG: OH

AC: :oo > My

AT: gOD

CG: THAT'S SO CORNY.

AC: :33 > I thought it was sweet

AT: wELL YOU GOT A DISTRACTION FROM ERIDAN,

TA: Yeah I gueth. Okay I'm gonna bounthe. Theeya later nerdth.

TwinArmageddons closed memo

* * *

Your name is Sollux Captor and you just got a cute girls phone number. You can't wait to rub it in Eridans face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so late but I've been working on what happened during the holidays (it's like the extras and the fan service I guess), and schools been insane.


	13. Hey it's almost March!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's nearly march and you've been waiting for this!

Your name is Eridan Ampora and you've been waiting for March! You've always loved March because it's so pretty. You've also fallen into the routine of...ah-hem...dressing up in March. You didn't have classes today but you woke up earlier than usual to get over to Fef's and leave a note. Just to make sure Sollux knows you're not going to be interacting with him for a while, you've reverted back into the normal "surly you" you were when the two of you met. You're vaguely ashamed of this fact though, you'd finally made a new friend and the minute you were scared of embarrassing your self you pushed them away. It's fine though he would have ended up drifting away anyway, like everyone else. You had other friends (acquaintances?) you can maybe hang out with, and Fef's always there for you! Yeah you don't need Solluxander. Even if he's fun to draw, and funny, and feeds you soup. If he'd found out about you're tendencies for cross-dressing he would have pushed you away anyway. You've got to stop putting yourself down about this, that's what Fef says, she's even coming over early in order to help you pick out an outfit and do your hair! You've picked out a few outfits already:

  * A purple dress (fairly soft, velvet?) with some tights and these Mary-Janes
  * A crop top (black might still be chilly though), a plaid skirt (high wasted to make up for crop top) with some heels



and

  * Flare jeans (with little fish on the cuffs), and a shirt printed with purple clam shells. and pale green sneakers



She shows up as quietly as she can, though she's giggling a lot.

"Okay Fef this is what I have," you gesture to the three outfits laid out on the couch. "Wwhich one do you think I should wear?"

"Hmm...Whale the crop top and skirt are the easiest to dress up," she taps her chin thoughtfully "Although the mermaid outfit," she points to the flare jeans and clam shirt "Is so adora-bubble. But I gotta say the dress is my favorite. It's cute and simple, maybe pair it with sneakers though..."

"Ya think so Fef? I wwas thinkin' I could use my scarf as a belt maybe."

"With the matching knee socks?"

"Yeah those ones. So that sound good?"

"Yeah! That'd be cute. I could fix up your hair to distribute the purple bits through out." she's already digging through her bag looking for a comb.

"That'd be great, but don't do anything that'll take too long. I wwanna hang out with you, maybe hit up the mall." She nods and you both spend a half-hour getting you ready. You go to a few small cafes where no one knows you or Fef. After a bit of chatting you head off to the mall (no chance of bumping into Sol there) and promise to meet up by the fountain at the center of the mall.

* * *

After wandering around a bit you see someone you don't wanna talk too: Sollux Honey Captor. Well shit. Worse he see's you, now he's walking over with the smuggest expression possible for a human being.

"Hey." this could be a bit awkward and you haven't even perfected Eden's voice yet.

"I'm meeting a friend sorry." evidently he doesn't hear you as after a few seconds he's going after you. What if he knows it's you? What if he hates you? What if he tells the others and _they_ decide to hate you?

"Mith you dropped thith." he's holding the small white handkerchief you carry with you. This is mildly embarrassing, what if he knows you (Eridan) carries this around?  As your fingers brush against his you jump a bit causing him to chuckle a bit under his breath.

"Thank you. I didn't notice I dropped this." you manege to make your voice just a bit higher. You pray he doesn't notice. "I'm Eden. Nice to meet you." _please don't notice_ luckily he doesn't and simply continues speaking to you.

"That'th a pretty name. Thuiteth you" you look up to meet his eyes. He's smirking. He's laughing at you isn't he! He knows and he's laughing

"How-w s-so?" you've decided that Eden has a slight stutter. You've also decided to force down the urge to ask him if he's laughing at you.

"Becauthe you're pretty." oh...he thinks you're pretty. You feel your face flush with embarrassment. You over reacted.

"I'm not really that cute. At least that's wwhat m-my family says." wait why are you telling him real stuff?

"Well they mutht be your evil thtep family. Jealouth." that's nice but he's wrong.

"Not really...mainly because they're pretty too." it's true, your mom and dad are both fairly attractive, and Cronus looks like JOHN FUCKIN' TRAVOLTA! YOU MEAN WHO DIDN'T THINK YOUNG TRAVOLTA WAS ATTRACTIVE? Bad people that's who. 

"Too? Tho that meanth you count yourthelf? Tho you think you're one of the pretty oneth?" on instinct you flinch and shake your head. Never take a compliment they're just lying to make you feel better. "Let me finish. Becauthe you're right."

"Oh....thank you..." it feels good to have someone think you're pretty.

"Well you're cool, and really cute. Here." he rummages around in his pocket for a second. Pulling out a small card. "My buthineth card. Call me okay? You be Thinderella and I'll be printhe charming." he hands you his "business card" it's displays a small bee at a computer in the top corner and his name, pesterchum, and number. All in a metallic gold. You look up and notice Fef's standing by the fountain. Shit you're late.

"Th-thanks...I w-will. I gotta go. Bye." you scurry (yes scurry) away to Fef, waving your handkerchief over your shoulder. She grinning like mad.

"Was that who I think it was?" 

"Yes Fef."

"And I'm shore he was just having a passing conversation with you."

" _Yup nothing else_. Why?"

"Whale it's obvious. He's in love with you to the point that no matter who you are he'll find you!"

"All he did was pick up my handkerchief. Not ewen that big a deal..."

"That's so romantic!"

"Oh! And he gawe me his number."

"What? Are you ever going to call him? I mean you kinda haffta now! He gave you his shell-phone number!"

"And he called me Cinderella." she's squealing now almost causing a scene.

"Oh. My. Cod. Eri! You have to talk to him more. If you don't I'll be crushed."

"That's wwrong Fef. _Eden_ has to call him. And she wwill," she's about to scream "but only wwhen you're around to help her." you spend the rest of the day (or most of it) at the mall. You head back to your dorm and Fef helps you transform back into..well yourself. You chat some more, until she has to leave. Then Sol comes home and plops down next to you on the couch stretching until he takes up nearly all of it.

"Tho gueth what I did today?"

"Wwhat?" you roll your eyes because you already know what he did today.

"I got a cute girlth number." you opt for teasing him on this.

"Proof or it didn't happen." he stop smirking at this, and stars rummaging around in his pocket looking for something as proof.

"Thee forgot to give me her number!" of course you already knew this.

"Wwho in their right in their right mind wwould giwe _you_ their number?" he pulls you into a headlock and laughs.

"You did," He ruffles your hair. "tho what doeth that thay about you?"

"All it says is that we needed each others numbers as wwe are roommates and need to talk to each other sometimes despite the hatred I feel for you!" you squirm a bit and try to get out of the deadlock but he only pulls you closer. It continues with the two of you mildly insulting each other until he pulls you into a hug. You think it's safe but the minute you let your guard down he starts tickling your sides, soon you're a mess on his lap. This happens to act as a small vengeance as you can tell this makes him slightly uncomfortable, he's blushing a bit and he's stopped tickling you letting his hands rest at your sides. Just to mess with him you sit up, basically straddling him, and lean closer until his face turns beet red. It stay that way for a few seconds, until you lick his cheek like a dog.

"Oh god ED!" he (over animatedly) wipes his cheek "That'th fucking groth!"

"Wwell that's wwhat you get for messin' with me." you chuckle quietly 'til he BITES YOUR FUCKIN' FACE WHO DOES THAT?

"There. Now thith dumb ath thit ritual ith complete." he pokes your face with one of his oddly bony fingers "I even left a little mark." wait, what? You get up and walk (while having a small panic attack) to the mirror: too high for you and too low for him, sure enough right on your cheek there are now two little marks. You can tell they're new, he actually bit you hard enough to bruise you! That arsehole marked your perfect face! In a fit of "rage" (used liberally) you initiate a pillow fight and spend the next several hours hitting him and getting hit. It's still fun. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is going to be on hiatus for a bit while I (1) figure out exactly where this is going and (2) write my other fic how the betas spent the holidays (lies Dirk has a chapter) sorry for everyone but I plan on writing a few chapters and posting them everyday like I used to so look forward to that. If you need more of the kids check out How the betas spent the holidays (shameless self promotion is shameless). And if anyone wants to have a guide to my version of the human-stuck universe I could write one but I'd have to move around some things. Still fine with me. (and maybe helpful to others)


	14. In which Sollux learns something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alt title: Sollux trying to find out how to be gay for his roommate.

Yeah yeah your Sollux Captor and goddamn do you have a problem. This problem, by the way, is four feet tall and named Eridan Ampora. It's not that you don't like him, but more that you like him too much. He's just too....cute? You guess that's part of it. You don't really know why you like him but you do, a lot. On the upside though you've gotten a quick rebound! Eden, she's sweet and really cute. Reminds you of........no....you won't get over him if you keep thinking about him, but you probably don't even like him that much! Just a crush like a fuckin' school girl. Although...you wouldn't know. How does anyone know if it's more than like a small crush? God you sound like a novel aimed towards teenage girls. Okay so you should probably ask someone about this....but who?

After a minute of thought, you decide on Jade's brother, Jake, mainly because you don't know anyone else in a relationship. Well there's Rose and Kanaya but you know they'll tell basically everyone in your cluster-fuck of a group about this so that's out of the picture. You have a vague idea of where he is, either Karkat's dorm, or Dirks apartment. You're not sure where his apartment is....but Jade should know. You pester her to check.

* * *

 

twinArmageddons started pestering gardenGnostic 

TA: yo Harley, where doe2 your brother'2 boyfriiend liive?

GG: Why do you need to know?

TA: ii wanna a2k him 2omethiing. iit'2 kiinda iimportant.

GG: What is it? If you don't mind me asking.

TA: iit'2 nothiing biig but II really need to a2k hiim 2omethiing. ju2t plea2e.

GG: Hmmmm....well fine. Just a second.

TA: cool.

GG: Okay got it! It's 2431, waterfall lane. Apartment number 34

TA: thank2 Harley.

GG: No problem! Good luck though.

TA: why? why would ii need "luck"?

GG: It's just that...Dirk and Jake are....really....affectionate to each other.

TA: are you iimplyiing that your brother and hii2 boyfriiend are goiing to be fuckiing when ii get there?

GG: NO NO NO I just mean that sometimes it's kinda....annoying when they get all cuddly or anything like that. They forget others are there.

TA: okay cool, ii don't want anythiing weiird happeniing whiile ii'm there. thank2.

GG: See ya.

* * *

It takes a few minutes to find a bus to get there, but you eventually find Dirk's apartment. Pressing your ear to the door you don't really hear anything other than domestic chit chat. Good. You knock on the door and Dirk answers, also good. He blocks the doorway so you can't really see inside.

"Oh hey your that kid my brother hangs out with."

"Yeah that'th me. That kid your brother hangth out with."

"Okay so what are you doing at my apartment," you can hear Jake in the background a bit _'Dirk who's at the door?'_ "No one it's fine!" now what's up with that?

"I need to athk you thomething. It'th kinda important." he's about to speak but he sighs instead.

"Fine what do you want. And hurry up I'm kinda busy right now." that's a lie. It's a Sunday and neither of them are religious. So you doubt he's doing anything that can't wait.

"How did you know you were in love with Jake?" Jesus you sound so much like a bad preteen novel. His reaction is a bit weird though, you can see his eyes above his dumb anime shades that's how large they've grown, and he's paler than usual, which sounds impossible. "What'th wrong with you?"

"I...we....you know what? Just come inside," you're about to follow him in when he pauses a second. "On second thought hold on a second. Let me tell Jake you're here, it'll only take a minute." you have to wait outside for half an hour before he comes back. "Sorry it took a minute."

"A minute? It took half a goddamn hour." you've got things to do! well....not really...but still that's half an hour you'll never get back.

"Just come inside." you finally get to talk to them, you don't see what took so long to do though. The apartment is still pretty messy if they cleaned it so you don't even know what would've changed. "Okay so you wanna know how I knew I was in love with Jake right? Well I didn't." what the actual fuck does that mean.

"How doeth that even work? Like why didn't you know? You're dating!"

"Well yeah we're dating, but I never really knew I was in love with him. If anything I eventually realized we _both_ liked each other that way. I started thinking 'well Jake really seems to like me, I wonder how I feel about him'."

"Really? So you just kinda had to think about how you felt. You were just forced to think about it?" before he can answer, Jake interrupts.

"That's not what happened Dirk and we both know it. You kept hitting on me. Just all the time really. I can't see how you thought you were being subtle." Dirk swats at him a bit, tinged red at the top of his ears. "You once even asked if I would ever date you. And when I said 'yes I would Dirk why?' you somehow didn't get it. I'm really astonished you didn't ask me out until we were in high-school. It took you over four years to ask me out." Dirk has now become the color red, what a fuckin' ascension. "Really Dirk you shouldn't lie to him. You'll confuse him." what even are you doing here. "And that date was via video chat online, it was kinda cute how you acted on that 'date' if anything Dirk being awkward is what eventually helped me realize I liked him that much!" Dang Dirk has upgraded from 'red' to 'more red than any red before' how even did he manege.

"Jake you don't need to tell him that! And that's the truth I only really realized I loved after we started dating, because then it was suddenly like 'oh I'm not dating him it's just how bros hang out' but no it wasn't. Bros don't make out on couches while watching garbage movies." Jake almost slaps him for this. "So I guess it was at the point where I could think 'oh people who are dating do this' a lot more than 'oh people who are friends do this'. That's how I knew I loved Jake. When it reached the point that bros don't cross." oh so that's how you know if you love someone. When it crosses the line of what's okay for friends.

"Thankth. You guyth can go back to what you were doing before I got here."

* * *

Your name is Sollux Captor and you've got a lot of thinking to do, because you've never been this confused. You still need more help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4/13 everybody! Barely got it done on time. And as a small thing here's an update and my tumblr in case you want to ask me anything about the fic. https://imsocialshit.tumblr.com/  
> so yeah hit me up if you want.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Fanfic. So it might be bad. Tell me if you like it of if you spot anything that doesn't make sense I'll try to fix it! Thanks


End file.
